The tagline for The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills‘ ninth season is written in big cerulean letters in the “this season on” teaser that preceded and proceeded Tuesday’s premiere. “The real story,” it tells us, “is even more…CRAZY/EPIC/UNBELIEVABLE/SHOCKING.”
I know those last four words, which flash across the screen in quick succession, are supposed to suggest to me that, of all the insane things I’ve been HEARING, what I’m about to SEE in season 9 is even crazier, more epic, more unbelievable, more shocking…
But I have no idea what they’re talking about?! What’s crazier? What’s more epic??? Do they really expect that I keep up with the goings on of the Housewives’ personal lives in between seasons? Am I to be reading blogs that briefly freeze my entire computer every time I open them because they host so many ads for SHEIN simply so that I can understand the significance of what’s about to happen in a 22-episode season of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills?
No, I much prefer to come into these seasons blind. And if something like a panty scandal or a season-long fight about being late for 4 p.m. spicy margaritas manages to take me by surprise with its sheer epic-ness, then all the better. Watching Erika Girardi’s soul leave her body as she unhinges her jaw to unleash holy fury like if The Exorcist had been styled by Jeremy Scott all because someone suggested she accidentally told a lie is so much more delicious when you haven’t already read 200 re-worded Daily Mail captions telling you how it’s going to happen three months from now.
If there is CRAZY, UNBELIEVABLE, EPIC SHOCK to come, I will gladly take it—but in Tuesday’s premiere, I took comfort in all the things I found least shocking from the Housewives’ most glamorous branch.
Like, have you ever been less surprised by anything than Lisa Rinna attending goat yoga with her Insta-famous daughters, with whom she shares one bottle of water split into three tiny cups afterward? Could anything shock you less than the information that Lisa Vanderpump and her husband Ken are regularly resuscitating a dying dog with a combination of CPR and heart massages inside their own home? Would it knock you over with a feather if I told you this premiere featured three pairs of Gucci joggers (not just for RHOA anymore!), two arguments revolving around a dog named Lucy Lucy Apple Juice, and one “charcuterie expert”???
Of course not—the dream of one day filling an entire cathedral-door-sized table with charcuterie is exactly why we’re all here! That the premiere starts with a two-month flash forward to a screaming match between Lisa Vanderpump and Kyle Richards (and Kyle Richard’s new teeth, and Lisa’s husband Ken, ugh) suggests that this season will be different—but we all know it won’t be. Because the moment after that “TWO MONTHS EARLIER” title card flashes across the screen, Lisa Rinna is right there waiting for us: making a cup of tea in a mug the size of a cereal bowl in her Nancy Meyers kitchen, yelling up the leopard print stairs to tell her daughter that it’s time to go to goat yoga.
There were a few actually relatable things that happened in this episode, like Erika saying she’s started hosting more people at her house because she doesn’t want to…leave her house. Or Teddi’s 3-year-old son Cruz explaining that this is simply how his face looks when someone asked him why he was being weird. Or Kyle’s daughter’s desire to openly mock Ken Todd on her Instagram…
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Bravo’s guilty-pleasure franchise meets California luxe