Okay, everyone. There’s glitter on the floor after the holidays, but who better to clean up that stupid Sagittarian mess than good old reliable Capricorns? Start off 2019 with the discipline of the sea-goat and get going on your pop culture resolutions for the New Year!
ARIES (March 21 to April 19)
Turn to another fire sign to help you kick off the year with some excitement, as Glass (Jan. 18), directed by legendary Leo M. Night Shyamalan, hits theaters to give you a break from all of the serious movies awards season weighs us down with. Let Bruce Willis, James McAvoy, and Samuel L. Jackson help you get a running start on 2019. Who doesn’t love to smash things up a bit?
TAURUS (April 20 to May 20)
A new year can be kind of a drag — people telling you to try new things, change your habits, blah blah blah — but you’ll make a smooth transition with your fellow earth sign Meghan Trainor. She may be a Capricorn, but she’s singing directly to Taurus on her new album Treat Myself (Jan. 25). Go on, beautiful bull. You, of all signs, really know how to treat yourself.
GEMINI (May 20 to June 20)
Okay, yes, Gemini, we know you have a New Yorker subscription, congratulations. We also know that you’ll spend this month reading You Know You Want This (Jan. 15), short stories by Kristen Roupenian, whose “Cat Person” went viral a year ago. The challenging, thorny collection will get you thinking and arguing even more than that first New Yorker story did, if you can imagine that. Go on, Gemini. Read it. You know you want to.
CANCER (June 21 to July 22)
Don’t be crabby (ha, ha) about the cold weather and the six months to your birthday, sweet Cancer. This January, you can transport yourself to an exotic locale along with one of your very own by watching Lindsay Lohan’s Beach Club (Jan. 8). Nothing better to cure your winter blues than dancing along with a fellow Cancer making a comeback in sunny Mykonos, right?
LEO (July 23 to Aug. 22)
Leo, you’re the last person who actually needs more of a Sex Education (Jan. 11). Still, you’ll find great pleasure in Netflix’s new comedy, about an awkward teenage nerd (probably a Pisces or something) who teams up with a bad-girl classmate (looking at you, lion!) to start a clandestine sex therapy clinic for their variously frustrated classmates. Happy new year to you!
VIRGO (Aug. 23 to Sept. 22)
Ugh, January. The great big trash-pile month is back again. Honestly, why even bother with new releases? They’re all movies discreetly pushed from October or TV shows hastily shoved into vacated time slots. Best thing to do is revisit a classic! Get analytical (as if you need to be told to) this month by hanging with Tony (played by James Gandolfini, eternally perfect Virgo) when you read The Sopranos Sessions (Jan. 8), Matt Zoller Seitz and Alan Sepinwall’s tome on the original pinnacle of peak TV. Break out the f—in’ ziti and dig in.
LIBRA (Sept. 23 to Oct. 22)
New year, new friends, right? Right! Comfort yourself with The Upside (Jan. 11), which tells the tale of an unlikely friendship (tied for the very best kind, along with likely ones!) between a disabled billionaire (Bryan Cranston) and the former criminal (Kevin Hart) he hires as a caretaker. Even better yet, it’s a remake of the 2011 French smash The Intouchables. French! Glamorous!
SCORPIO (Oct. 23 to Nov. 21)
As the saying goes, keep your friends close — and fellow Scorpios closer. Take that to heart this month by checking out Serenity (Jan. 25), starring a pair of Oscar winners (and your sign-mates), Matthew McConaughey and Anne Hathaway, as a divorced couple who cross each other’s paths again under dark circumstances. Yes, your very favorite type of circumstances!
SAGITTARIUS(Nov. 22 to Dec. 21)
If ever a beloved ‘80s educational computer game character was 100% a pure Sagittarius, it has to be Carmen Sandiego (Jan. 18). Now, that jet-setting master criminal, compulsive rhymer, wearer of face-obscuring hats is getting a brand-new animated series on Netflix, with Gina Rodriguez in the title role. Here’s to stealing 2019 for yourself, and to every time someone’s wondered where in the world is a Sagittarius.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 to Jan. 19)
Happy birthday, Capricorn! It’s time to reward yourself — you’ve certainly earned it — with something you’ve always loved. Lucky you, Backstreet’s back this month with DNA (Jan. 25), the eighth studio album — and first in six years — from your favorite boy band of the ‘90s (nobody’s got a work ethic to rival yours like boy banders from the ‘90s). On your birthday, you’re allowed to say you want it that way.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 to Feb. 18)
A new year is a time for new chances. So before your birthday season begins, you’re willing to give True Detective (Jan. 13) another shot. The first season delivered such brilliant, challenging, meandering monologues it was like HBO had a direct line to your brain. The second season…did its best. But you’re in it for the long haul, water bearer. You’ll give it another try, if only because season 3’s giving top billing to Mahershala Ali. In the hands of a fellow Aquarius, what can go wrong?
PISCES (Feb. 19 to March 20)
A year doesn’t end so much as it dies. You’re allowed to be in mourning, Pisces, before celebrating the new beginning. Embrace your dark side a little bit this January with a story as scary as it is dreamy — and with a title you can certainly get behind. Sophie Mackintosh’s The Water Cure (Jan. 8) will transport you to a shadowy place this month, but you’ll emerge from the darkness ready for the Aquarian lightness to come.